People talk about getting closure all the time. After a loved one has passed, after a breakup, a broken friendship, or even after letting go of material possessions. I have one too many questions about this issue, I mean, why do we need closure? Why does it seem that we always need closure for a “bad” thing? But more importantly, what do we mean by closure? Is it looking at the event, determining what we’ve learned from it, applying those lessons, and then getting on with our lives?
I personally have tried the “closure” deal many times and still I have no idea if it worked or not, you know, throwing away letters, deleting pics on your laptop, burning the boxers, getting rid of contact info… still, I’m not sure I have ever gotten the closure I needed. May I add, the many times does not mean it has been with different people… which probably makes it worse! lol
In my search of a better definition I found out that apparently in mathematics there is a concept for closure that applies mostly to algebra, the definition states – a set is closed under an operation if applying the operation to two members of the set results in another member of the set… huh!!?
Scratch that, forget the math, I prefer to stick to psychology… is closure just something in our minds? I tend to think closure is mental and therefore should be easy to control, but the heart, now there’s a different story, no part of your brain can tell your heart to forget and move on. Closure is something very personal, something deep inside of us. It can be a matter of the heart or a matter of the brain, it can be as simple as seeking that moment that will provide you a proper ending to an ongoing situation. An ending where you can say, “I’m there, I have moved on…” and lay the love to rest together with all the good, the bad and the in-between.
It does bother me to the bone that some people talk about needing closure but then again, they don’t let go and they keep playing someone on, what’s with that? If you love someone and connect with them at so many levels, then why waste time and play games? So many loving people in the world spend a lifetime searching for that special someone, a slight connection… and how many people end up with Mr. or Mrs. Wrong or Mr. Right Now because they feel they will never find “the one”. Why be afraid to take a step forward, if the person standing there right in front of you is the one… of course, until they move on and find closure and then you’re left empty handed.
And then the question is, if you do move on, regardless of whether or not that person remains in your life, do you try to stay connected? I myself need no contact when I work on moving on, just the fact that we’ve had such a strong connection is the one and only reason I continue to remain attached! Why is it so hard to be friends and have closure at the same time? I believe closure just comes with time, which is maybe why it hurts so much, you need to allow your feelings to stop influencing your state of mind until it all slowly fades away. They say that when you can go for five whole minutes without some part of it playing in your mind, then that’s when you’re done. So that makes me think, maybe I am there, maybe it has faded away and there’s just a little string left, could that be the last straw on closure?
Maybe closure just doesn’t have to involve the other person… maybe its something we just have to do on our own, create closure for ourselves. If we demand closure from the other person when it is actually something we need, maybe we’re not ready for closure at all.