Old Stories… Part 6

Today was a strange day, I learned something about myself that I think I knew before but I managed to look at it from a different point of view (does that make sense?). I had a very deep conversation with a good friend of mine, he was concerned for someone he cared deeply about. During this conversation, he told me he liked this person because she was a more fragile personality than he was and therefore it was one of the reasons he was attracted to her. hhhmmmm “Fragile”… that word really hit me. My grandmother once told me that I had to stop being such a strong woman, she had read this one article that talked about men not being attracted to independent women and she was scared that I’d be single all my life lol. This conversation today made me think that maybe she’s right, somewhat, who knows! I did realize tho, that after all I am a very fragile person, extremely sensitive and many times in need of some good TLC (yes ok, I admit it!). I’m also very affectionate, emotional and even get hurt very very easily. Unfortunately, my life experiences have taught me to be strong and to always portray that I’m a stable hard headed person who is always in control… but I’m not, at least not as harsh as I show to be. Some people know this but many don’t, and I wonder, should I work harder at accepting and showing my fragile side or does this protective shield make me who I am?

Moving on… we skip to 1993…

MARCH 4th, 1993 - “I used to believe in a say that I had heard many times that said something like “After the bad times come the good ones…” but for some reason I keep waiting for those “good times” that I’m just beginning to wonder who in the world came up with that bullshit quote, there’s no way I can believe in that. My husband Max and I have been going through some bad times for just too long and no matter how hard i try to make things better, or even just bearable, everything around me seems to crumble. Money, the kids, personal issues and even worse, health. Max has been incapacitated with a hernia on his back and ever since he was diagnosed he just refuses to help himself, much less me and the kids. I sometimes feel that he just forgets that we are a family, the kids always seen to be in his way, no matter how much I believe that by sticking together we could actually get through this. Anything I say or do at this point seems pointless and lately I just prefer to stay silent and carry on my daily routine rather than speaking my mind and not being heard. My life right now feels very pointless, day by day I’m just living for my children. I hardly sleep at night, I sometimes work until night time, get home and just have no rest at all… all just to start the next day under the same drill. Needless to say, add to this routine the constant fights with Max that go on about every 10 minutes of the day, all pointless and childish. Every morning when I wake up, I work hard and pushing myself to being positive and visualize a better day, until I’m quickly put down. Max has become so negative about anything and everything that I just find it impossible to even try to communicate with him… and they say that conversation is the key to a good marriage. I need to find the strength to keep my family together and get through this unharmed, I need to feel we’re a unit and that it’s just not me and the kids all they time. I can’t allow all this to drift us apart.”

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