Today… more than ever, I feel a strong urge to stop and roll the dice again in my life. The world is crazy, the economy, wars, strange global climate and thousands of dead people in the poor country of Haiti. Today, more than ever, I close my eyes and wish that I could actively be part of the change… so easy to say, so hard to do. Read the rest of this entry »
So I’m back with my little journal… I’ve lost track a little there for a minute. Life has gotten a little complicated lately and I rarely have time to write, this journal stuff is basically copy/paste so I’m covered for a bit. Being a single mom is not an easy task, and I hate that it sounds so cliché. But some days, no matter how hard you try and how dedicated you want to be there’s is always something that slips through your fingers. Right now, I miss being with my kids… I feel I’ve lost grip and its made me feel down, not a good feeling. Life goes by too fast, they grow fast, I hate not being there when they need me. So anyway, tonight decided to come back to my blog and post a little more…
DECEMBER 16th, 1994 - “Been a long time, my life has taken many steps, and so far all have been for good. Max and I separated, I couldn’t take it anymore, the emotional abuse, the temper, the harshness. For too long I was trying really hard not to end up like my mother-in-law but somehow we were walking in the same steps as she was. Max was working 24 hrs a day and even the little time he was home it was like he just wasn’t there. He didn’t like me working and he was terribly obsessive about money… the kids didn’t even like to spent time with him after a while. Talking just didn’t help anymore, I just had to do something… so I walked out. During this separation a lot of weird things happened and I realized that I was easily replaceable. So we got back together again. Today… Max still lives convinced that during our separation I cheated on him, an accusation that came from someone that quickly began dating after I left. Life is just not the same. I have learned a lot… I have learned that I married someone who constantly lies, to me, to my kids. I learned that I married someone whom I cannot trust. So we moved house out to Escazú thinking it would help the relationship and began to visit a therapist and then had to quit because Max didn’t want to pay for it anymore. It helped, a little and he’s trying… helps me more and he’s more open to conversation. So life is kinda good, could be worse I guess… life is teaching me a lot of lessons, hard ones.”
Ugh, just before I began to type this post I went back and re-read all my “journal” entries, they all sound so depressing, makes it sound like my life has been the worst experience all along!! I’m certainly a “moody” writer, and painter, for that matter… it’s usually in moments of dispair that I’m compelled to sit and write down my feelings, an outlet I guess… Anyway, think I’m about half way through posting this little old journal so let’s move along cuz the worst is still to come LOL
JUNE 1st, 1993 - “This is the 7th time I get a hold of this journal to record events of my life. It’s sad to notice that very rarely they are positive entries which sucks, I guess it’s always in bad moments that I feel the need to jot down my feelings. Two weeks ago was my 1st year wedding anniversary. Now a days to be married for a whole year certainly makes you feel deserving of a prize. Needless to say, it has been a difficult year for us as a family, as a couple, it’s been a hard year for me. I started working again and there is not a day that goes by that I’m not wishing that I would have been able to finish my university studies. Max continued with problems in his back which kept him in bed for more than 3 months. During this time I had to do everything at home, the working, the earning, paying bills, taking care of the kids, the house, every little detail. Francesca is already in kinder and she has grown and changed so much, doing a lot of things for herself, she talks so much, about anything and everything. Kyle is growing so fast, he will be 1 year old in a few days and he’s crawling around touching everything and just about to let go and start walking! Life is ok…”
Today I thought that maybe, just maybe… I would love to have time to read again, among a lot of other things. So I began to think, how in the world I could combine the 12 to 14 hours I spend on my computer with my missing my reading. So… i came up with a solution, I’ll give it a little test run and tell you about it later 
My new E-book: “The Frantic Woman’s Guide to Life” hee hee
So… tomorrow is my birthday, yuck!! I keep avoiding the subject of my birthday because I feel i’m getting way way too close to 40 and I’m hating every minute of it! Anyhooo… I had a wonderful day today with my younger brother and sister together with my kids, we did a nice little spontaneous road trip (pics coming soon!). So when I got home I checked my Facebook and found the perfect birthday message:
Hey gal! I know your b-day is not until tomorrow but… I had to be the first, right?
Every once in a lifetime there comes one person into your life that makes a difference: because of their personality, or because of the moment they showed up, or simply because you know the friendship is for real. If you are really lucky then you may have several of these little angels in your life.
I am very lucky to have you as friend, you are an amazing woman, strong and very smart, and an incredible friend. One that has been there at my lowest lows, when not even the people i have had forever in my life were there.
Believe it or not you have helped pick up the pieces and put the puzzle together: with your incredible advice and your incredible writting… you have no idea what your blogging has done!!!!
A big hug for you amiga in your birthday, and I wish only the best for you on this day y siempre!!!!
Anita
Thank you girl, you have no idea how much those words mean to me!! A lot of the stuff on my blog is the result of me falling flat on my face over and over again without learning many lessons. To know that it has helped you, and to know that I have friends like you… it means the world to me.
