Old Stories… Part 9

Ugh… here come the ugly stories of my life, but it’s all live and learn right?

AUGUST 14th, 1995 - “Many things have changed since I last wrote, I’ve realized that life is all about change, among other things. Ever since Max and I got back together I’ve been drowning in doubt every day. Obviously something big drove us apart once and it could easily come back again. The other day Max asked me a question that left me thinking, he asked me if I wouldn’t have had Francesca if we would still have stayed together and gotten married. To be honest, I don’t even want to think about it because for a split second I had the greatest impulse to say no. Yesterday something really bad happened, something he promised he would never ever do. Max slapped me and threw me on the bed to hold me down in the middle of an argument. I totally flipped and went hysterical, I just couldn’t and still cannot believe that it happened. To make matters worse, and I’m even embarrassed to say this but I really saw this coming way back long ago. So many times that our arguments have gotten heated he’s come at me threatening not to provoke him. So… now, the question is, what do I do? I want to go, but if I go, I get the feeling I have to go far far away. And I promised something, I promised him I would never give up again and leave.  And then, there’s the kids… for them, I can’t leave, but things have changed. I don’t trust Max, in anything, not that I really ever did but as his wife I really tried. This hurts, he’s threatened me so many times with taking the kids away from me that I just prefer to stay put and live with it before loosing the two most important people in my life. I still really haven’t thought about all this yet, I just can’t digest it as I should. I need to find the way, I need to find the strength, I need a new beginning.”

Old Stories… Part 7

Ugh, just before I began to type this post I went back and re-read all my “journal” entries, they all sound so depressing, makes it sound like my life has been the worst experience all along!! I’m certainly a “moody” writer, and painter, for that matter… it’s usually in moments of dispair that I’m compelled to sit and write down my feelings, an outlet I guess… Anyway, think I’m about half way through posting this little old journal so let’s move along cuz the worst is still to come LOL

JUNE 1st, 1993 - “This is the 7th time I get a hold of this journal to record events of my life. It’s sad to notice that very rarely they are positive entries which sucks, I guess it’s always in bad moments that I feel the need to jot down my feelings. Two weeks ago was my 1st year wedding anniversary. Now a days to be married for a whole year certainly makes you feel deserving of a prize. Needless to say, it has been a difficult year for us as a family, as a couple, it’s been a hard year for me. I started working again and there is not a day that goes by that I’m not wishing that I would have been able to finish my university studies. Max continued with problems in his back which kept him in bed for more than 3 months. During this time I had to do everything at home, the working, the earning, paying bills, taking care of the kids, the house, every little detail. Francesca is already in kinder and she has grown and changed so much, doing a lot of things for herself, she talks so much, about anything and everything. Kyle is growing so fast, he will be 1 year old in a few days and he’s crawling around touching everything and just about to let go and start walking! Life is ok…”

Old Stories… Part 6

Today was a strange day, I learned something about myself that I think I knew before but I managed to look at it from a different point of view (does that make sense?). I had a very deep conversation with a good friend of mine, he was concerned for someone he cared deeply about. During this conversation, he told me he liked this person because she was a more fragile personality than he was and therefore it was one of the reasons he was attracted to her. hhhmmmm “Fragile”… that word really hit me. My grandmother once told me that I had to stop being such a strong woman, she had read this one article that talked about men not being attracted to independent women and she was scared that I’d be single all my life lol. This conversation today made me think that maybe she’s right, somewhat, who knows! I did realize tho, that after all I am a very fragile person, extremely sensitive and many times in need of some good TLC (yes ok, I admit it!). I’m also very affectionate, emotional and even get hurt very very easily. Unfortunately, my life experiences have taught me to be strong and to always portray that I’m a stable hard headed person who is always in control… but I’m not, at least not as harsh as I show to be. Some people know this but many don’t, and I wonder, should I work harder at accepting and showing my fragile side or does this protective shield make me who I am?

Moving on… we skip to 1993…

MARCH 4th, 1993 - “I used to believe in a say that I had heard many times that said something like “After the bad times come the good ones…” but for some reason I keep waiting for those “good times” that I’m just beginning to wonder who in the world came up with that bullshit quote, there’s no way I can believe in that. My husband Max and I have been going through some bad times for just too long and no matter how hard i try to make things better, or even just bearable, everything around me seems to crumble. Money, the kids, personal issues and even worse, health. Max has been incapacitated with a hernia on his back and ever since he was diagnosed he just refuses to help himself, much less me and the kids. I sometimes feel that he just forgets that we are a family, the kids always seen to be in his way, no matter how much I believe that by sticking together we could actually get through this. Anything I say or do at this point seems pointless and lately I just prefer to stay silent and carry on my daily routine rather than speaking my mind and not being heard. Read the rest of this entry »

---

Old stories… Part 5

Ok so I’m back to publishing parts of a little old journal I found stashed away somewhere in my closet. It’s been bittersweet reading, it’s been hard to share but for some reason I felt I had to put it out there so I’ll continue publishing until I’m done…

JULY 1st, 1992 - “Today is the 1st of July 1992. I am sitting in my apartment, a married woman and mother of two children. My daughter Francesca is almost 11 months old and baby Kyle is only days old. Max and I got married on May 23rd this year and we are still living in the apartment with my brother Guy. 11 days ago Kyle was born, he looks just like Francesca but with darker skin! At this moment my life has become very difficult, I’m facing a lot of obstacles at the same time. I stopped working a while ago and it’s very hard to get through my days, weeks, months with no money. My mom got very upset at me when she found out I was pregnant again but now that Kyle is here she seems to be taking it a little better. My grandmother, my Nana, she didn’t talk to me for over a year when I was pregnant with Francesca so I haven’t even told her about Kyle. My relationship with Max is ok, every day I wish we could have our own place. For now we’re ok, emotionally and physically. But with money, things are very bad, the pits. Things got hard with my operation, the extra expenses… I hate always feeling so unstable and having to be constantly looking for money and trying to save to make ends meet. I feel bad, I’ve always been a hard worker and I used to earn good money, sometimes enough to even spend a little on myself. Read the rest of this entry »

---

Old stories… Part 4

This day needs no introduction…

MAY 26th, 1991 - “Well, just when I was complaining about my life and thinking it was boring and that nothing exciting was happening… everything has changed. My body is changing, my mind, my heart and my love. From today forward I have to share my love because I am carrying a beautiful baby inside me. I’m almost 7 months pregnant now, time is flying, faster than what it usually is. I am so happy!… even if people talk about me and sometimes stare, I’m anxious. My baby moves inside of me and even many times I have had her/him move through my hands, it’s body, arms and legs, my one. I am now a mother and from this moment on, I have something that can never be taken away from me. I’m due the first week of August”.