“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.”
~Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Photos taken by Ann Brampton | Washboard Laundromat | Kern River, California | May 2010
It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to write here, you know, not counting videos and lyrics and other people’s writings. The past couple of months have been of change in my life and I thought it was a great time to jot it down and remind myself about it for the future… It’s been about a month that I’ve been running my own business at home and it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Life is full of choices I believe and sometimes we get stuck in situations that make us grieve, but we’re so scared to step out of the ordinary that we just become a settling coward. It’s a decision, it’s a choice and it’s a chance, but it’s up to me, or anybody else, to make things work for themselves. I made the decision to step away from a very hostile work environment and make the change for myself. Today, I’m happy to say that I’m relaxed, spending my time with my kids and re-learning to enjoy my family, my friends and home again, taking care of it, taking care of me. Life is good to me, I can complain every now and then, but… life is good to me, that’s all I can say. What’s next? I’ll soon be flying up to California for a couple weeks to take a nice long road trip, no plan and no known destination. From L.A. to San Francisco, maybe Vegas and even maybe Utah… I love it, life has to be spontaneous sometimes, brings back the fun into the routine. I’m happy, once again I’ve made a big decision and come clean out of it… and it feels great. Soon I’ll be posting pics from my California trip, can’t wait!!
Ah… my song of the month, lovin’ Kings of Convenience
Self preservation is something all of us humans practice on a daily life, we guard ourselves from becoming vulnerable to anything we believe will hurt us. We bite our tongues and leave things unsaid all the time, things that would leave us exposed. We maintain a constant “front” because if we fully give into what we want, it would mean we would have to let go and finally become vulnerable. Some of us have this incredible need to be able to break through, mostly because we know that what’s on the other side will make us incredibly happy… but yet we’re scared. And I wonder, if we know deep in our hearts that the breakthrough would be worth it, why don’t we just go ahead and do it? I have been here, a couple times, and in order to preserve myself I have become cold, unavailable, distant. And still, still… for whatever reason, I still feel I have to bite my tongue, not to loose control and become vulnerable myself. Because again, if I give into what I really want and loose my tongue, it would probably mean I will have to let go.
I’ve learned that I cannot make someone love me.
I haven’t learned when it’s ok to say I love you and when its not.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care some people just don’t care back.
I’ve learned that I can still feel terribly lonely even when I’m surrounded by hundreds of people.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what I have in my life, but whom I have in my life that counts.
I’ve learned that my background and circumstances may have influenced who I am, but I am responsible for what I become.
I’ve learned that I am responsible for what I do, no matter how I feel.
I still haven’t learned to notice when people use me or play around with my feelings.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt me every once in a while.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes I have to learn to forgive myself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad my heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for my grief.
I have also learned that my heart has been broken because I have allowed it… and I keep allowing it.
I’ve learned that no matter how hard I try to protect my children, they will eventually get hurt, and I will hurt in the process.
I’ve learned that once a loved one lies to me, they’ll keep doing it for a lifetime… and I don’t seem to have learned from that yet.
I’ve learned that sometimes I can keep going long after I can’t.
I’ve learned that life will always keep throwing curve balls at me.
Although I have learned so many things, I still don’t seem to learn from all my past mistakes.
You ever had one of those moments where you listen to a song and you stop what you’re doing and it suddenly makes you stare out the window? You begin to get images of special moments, words said, places, feelings, gestures… and you just, sigh! This song certainly does that for me!
