Old stories… Part 3

Life never ceases to shit on us surprise us, it happens, over and over again. At work, in our relationships, with our families, lovers and friends… one after the other the speed bumps are there to either challenge you or teach you a valuable lesson in life. I’m still learning about this, learned never to get confident with serenity and balance because its exactly when life throws another curve ball at me…

Anyway… the story goes on…

MARCH 11th, 1991 - “The year of 1991 hasn’t been the best of my years, I could call it one of my worst. Towards the end of December I began to get sick and it continued onto January. I finally built up the courage to visit the doctor and apparently I suffer of chronic Anemia and my body has been weakening bit by bit, explains why my soul felt tired and my brain felt dead! Towards February I began to get better very slowly and then got sick again, this time with such a severe infection in my tonsils that I lost about 15 pounds in just a few days.

Its March now and I’m back to a normal weight of 114 Lbs (LOL, fancy that!) but I’m suffering from severe migranes and sharp pains in my eyes and I was forced to go visit another specialist. So far, I’ve been sick for almost 3 months and I’m just completely worn out. Now I just feel mentally sick, I’m tired, too tired to think, too tired to even speak some days. I feel like I’m just not the same person, I’ve become boring, unmotivated, I’m always tired and I think people are beginning to get discouraged with me. Sadly, I have also become very insecure, cold and quiet, very opposite to the person I really am.

I wish I could understand why my body is doing all this stuff, It’s like it has a mind of it’s own. I don’t want to drift apart from people, I need this to stop. I need to feel normal again, I need to be me”.

Old stories… Part 2

Reading on… just a few months after my first entry in this little journal, I wrote for a second with further changes in my life. This one is no biggie but it was a good wake-up call for me when I was barely 19 years old… it also has a very ironic continuation in my next post. Read along!

JANUARY 28th, 1991 - “My life has taken another big step. My best friend Nancy is going to have a baby, big words, similar to responsibility, sacrifice and at this moment in my life something like this would really spell trouble to someone like me. As my life passes by I have realized that I have matured a lot since I graduated from school. At work I try hard to act mature and give off an image of respect, trying to act as someone I’m wishing I could be I guess. So my friend Nancy has just made me realize how much more I need to grow up to actually be mature for real. She on the other hand, only has 9 months to do it. Although she’s 3 years older than I am, I know that people will expect her to act as someone years older than she is now. This really makes me realize how immature I really am and how afraid I am of growing up, no matter how much I want to be an adult. I’m afraid of growing up and I have no idea if I could ever face something similar to what Nancy is going through today. I’m pretty positive I would never be able to confront something like that at this point in my life and it has become a great lesson, I must become more humble and realize that I’m still just a kid and I have many many lessons to learn”. 

Old stories come to light…

So yesterday I decided to tackle a bunch of stuff I had stashed away somewhere in the deep corners of my bedroom closet. Boxes and bags, suitcases and baskets… envelopes with old love letters, empty CD boxes, rings from past loves, photo albums, valentines stuffed animals, dried up roses and so forth. I suddenly came upon a little diary that my 12th grade English teacher gave me the night of my high school graduation… “God bless Ann Marie Brampton, with love from Delores Bowman. May, 1990″ was written by hand on the first page as a dedication for that special day. I had totally forgotten about this book, I’ve never been good at keeping diaries, I think this blog has been the closest thing to anything of the sort.

So i’ve been skimming through these pages which basically range from May 1990 to October 2000 which was the last time I ever wrote in it, exactly 1 month after my divorce. It’s all sporadic writing, every other month, or year, but mostly in times of great change, great happiness or great sadness. It has been bittersweet reading, certainly a great reminder of the many many many ups and downs that I’ve been through in my life. I think this little diary can be considered a tiny little book of my life, from the day I graduated until I had kids, got married, went through separations, marital problems until my divorce, creepy stuff!

I’ve never been the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve, but I have decided to share some of my writings through my blog. It won’t be an easy task, I have rarely shared with people some of the bumps I’ve encountered throughout this journey called life… but maybe it’s time to just let it all out. Read the rest of this entry »